There are some topics people should never judge others on, and one of those is the topic of children. Lets face it, some people are not cut out for children, some people simply do not want children, some people want children and have a difficult or impossible time getting pregnant, and some are baby making machines and can get pregnant at the flip of switch. I am a big believer in having children at the right time in a relationship, not just because others think you should.
In my not-so-humble opinion, someone should not get pregnant just because they are married. And there is no rule that says, you have been married a year, or two, or three, so now you MUST get pregnant. You may have your opinion, but mine is that bringing a child into this world is a big decision and can and should only be made between the couple conceiving the child and God. Only they are in the right place to know if now is the right time to have a child.
Why do I bring this up you ask, because I am a little sick of people's judgments passed on me. Yes, I have been married 3 and a half years and I am not pregnant. My husband is in his 30s and I am quickly approaching mine and still no children. We have a great marriage and we would both be pretty good parents in my opinion with lots of loving, supportive family and friends nearby, and still, no children. We both love children, are good with children, and want to have multiple children, but still, we have none.
So, I get the questions all the time, “Why don't you have kids yet?” “So are you and Adam ever going to have kids?” and so on. First, I honestly do not like answering these questions in the first place. It is really no one's business unless we decide we want to make it their business, on our own, without their prodding. However, just to set the record straight, and so I can hopefully stop getting hurt and frustrated by these questions, we don't have kids yet because my body has not allowed us to. Yes, we prevented pregnancy for the first year and a half or so of marriage, but we have done nothing to prevent pregnancy for almost two years now. Infact, we've tried watching calendars and all the other stuff to help me get pregnant, which are all pretty much useless with the medical conditions I have.
So people, please stop asking me when I'm going to have a baby. It breaks my heart every time I'm asked the questions, and I'm too nice to say to your face, none of your business. If I could have a baby, I would have one by now. I know God isn't preventing me from getting pregnant because “it must not be the right time” or “maybe I'm not really ready for a baby” or “maybe I'll be a bad parent.” I get that, I don't like it, but I get it.
I'm sure someday, in some way, I'll have children. But for now, I live my life today and plan for my future tomorrow. Maybe we'll do foster care, maybe we'll do adoption, maybe we'll do all kinds of fertility treatments and pay thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant with or without luck, but whatever we do, don't judge us. It's our decision to make.
Mountain Fun: Hiking and Kayaking!
5 years ago
Wow, I am really sorry you feel it necessary to even explain yourself to anyone about this topic. You shouldn't even feel like you should. If anyone ever asked Dave and I we would simply tell them it is between us and the Lord OR if we wanted to make them feel terrible for asking, we told them the truth, we had been trying for a really long time and thanks for bringing it up. But really, where we live, it didn't happen all that much and to be honest it is probably happening more to you guys because you live in Utah. But I am sorry for it. Just carry around a bat or something is smack the next person who bothers to ask. IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!! Anyway, this is a topic that really chaps my hide.
ReplyDeleteAnd for what it is work I think you would be a great mom!
Love ya!
Teresa
"I guess we just aren't doing it right. Want to come over later and give us some pointers?"
ReplyDelete"We haven't figured out that whole sex thing yet"
It's been my experience that after using these, most people realize what a personal question they just asked and then change the subject.
I'm so sorry Melissa. We had different pregnancy issues, but we too have been married three years and no kids and we get that question a lot. Thankfully more and more people are becoming sensitive, but the few that aren't still make us cry.
A while ago the church put out this: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=0acba1615ac0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
I love it, and I think more people are becoming aware how cruel this questions can be. Especially when we talk about it, like you are doing now. You have just educated someone and I'm sure that after reading this there will be at least one less person in the world who asks that question.
If you ever need to talk or vent I'm here! Love you Melissa!
I'm sorry . . . I know how painful this whole thing can be. Even with absolutely no fertility issues, just timing issues, my sister in law was married over 4 years before getting pregnant, and my younger sister has been married for four years and is still probably a year or so from getting pregnant. I know they both got some of the craziest, rudest questions and comments from people. If only people understood that each family has their own trials, issues or timelines . . . my sister cries each and every month when she gets on her knees and asks God if she can stop preventing yet, if it's time, and He tells her not yet. She wants nothing more than to be a Mom, it just doesn't work for them right now, and she trusts that God knows what's best.
ReplyDeleteShe likes to tell people, "We've decided not to consummate the marriage until we're really sure it'll work out." :-)
Melissa, I know so badly how you feel! I myself had problems that prevented me from getting pregnant, that even the Doctors couldnt' figure out. Rob's family thinks that if you don't have a baby or are pregnant by your first anniversary that you are sinning. I got to the point that I would tell them that I was learning the paitence that I need for when I did have a child. We wanted kids right away when we got married, just because of our age difference, but it took us 3 years with no prevention and a few doctors. We tried the fertility and each month it was devastating to get the results that it didin't work. I finally just got down on my knees and prayed for the strength I needed to get through this trial in my life. It hurt seeing those around you having babies, and though I was happy for them, I had that constant desire to have one of my own. When it got to the point of seeing specialists, and big money, I opted to try a Doctor in Sandy that practices Eastern Medicine and uses Chinese herbs instead of meds. I wasn't sure what to expect but he was much cheaper than the Doctors (it was only around $80.00 with no insurance at all) and I didn't have anything to loose. I was able to get pregnant a month and a half later, and am now blessed with my amazing Daughter. My sister-in-law had a really hard time too and she went to this Doctor and was able to get pregnant a few months later. I'll get you his number if you want to try it. But keep smiling in the mean time, The Lord has a plan for you.... you just have to figure out what that plan is.
ReplyDeleteSweety. I know exactly how you feel. It was 2 months shy of 5 years before we were blessed with Sera. I would cry every night, yell at my husband and started avoiding people. I decided that the only way to make them realize the truth was to make them feel the way I do. "Ashley you have been married for 3 years you could have two and a half kids by now!" My response would be. "I actually have been trying the entire time and we just have not been lucky enough to get pregnant." Their response is self depricating back peddling that very obviously states to me that they feel stupid for saying anything. It is like telling someone they are fat or asking someone when they are due when they re not pregnant (just fat) you just hold your tongue because it is not something that should not be brought up in this society because there are TONS of people who cannot get pregnant. so shut the *** up.Thank you
ReplyDeleteLove you and good luck in you endeavors.
YOU GO GIRL!!! I am sooo glad you posted this blog. I have been feeling the pressure tooo and I hate it!!! So I am soo glad you put this out there.
ReplyDeleteThanks all. See what I mean by loving and supportive family and friends.. :)
ReplyDeleteKelly, I would like the contact info of the Dr you saw in Sandy. I personally love Eastern medicine. Thanks!
I'm so sorry, Melissa! You are right. It is in the hands of God, and I'm sorry you have to defend yourself due to people's insensitivity. We'll keep you in our prayers. Things will work out--whatever that may be!! :)
ReplyDeleteHere is that name and # for you:
ReplyDeleteLindsey Acupuncture Clinic - Guy Lindsey
8282 South State Street #18
Sandy, Ut
(801)233-8330
He did wonders for me, and I really think he could help you. The good thing about it is that he isn't really expensive like most Doctors, and he gets you in pretty quick.
I do know what you are going through. Braden was a totally unexpected suprise, and I am so greatful for him. I truly thought that since I got pregnant with him that I wouldn't have a hard time getting pregnant with a second one, and well he is now four and a half, and there is no second baby in sight. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteLike you said things happen for a reason, and the Lord truly knows yours and Adams thoughts and desires. I know you two will make great parents one day, no matter how you get your children. Like you said there are many ways. I myself and thinking about adopting. Good luck!