Motherhood

Exactly one year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I don't know that I can adequately describe how I felt, but I'm going to try. After two and a half years of not being able to get pregnant, I had almost given up. I had spent so much time worrying that I would never be a mother, so much money trying to be a mother, and so many tears shed when each month I still wasn't pregnant. Only those who have struggled to get pregnant truly understand how that feels.

And then one year ago, after a few days of feeling like I had the flu I felt inspired to take a pregnancy test. I remember arguing with this inspiration in my mind. I had sworn off pregnancy tests because I was sick of the 2 minutes waiting that felt like an eternity. Wanting to hope, but afraid to because I didn't want to be let down again. But this time, it was different. This time, I think I knew before I ever peed on the stick that it would be different. It was like Heavenly Father was gently reassuring me that it would all be okay. That it was finally my turn. And it was.

Now I have the greatest gift I could have ever been given, my beautiful baby boy Ryker. I love every day that I get to be his mom. I am so grateful and amazed that Heavenly Father would trust me with the rearing of such a wonderful spirit. And this mother's day that passed last week was the first mother's day since being married that I was not depressed. I was so grateful I was finally a mother, but at the same time I felt sad for my friends and family going through the hopes and disappointments of trying to get pregnant. All I can say is, hang in there, it's worth it. One day you will have your chance of being a mother, whether through your pregnancy or someone else's, it will happen. I know I would go through the pain all over again if I had to.

And now I am going to post this beautiful little thing about motherhood that I stole from my friend Angee's blog. I get choked up every time I read it, but I think it wonderfully sums up how I now feel being a mother.

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn’t worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn’t want to put him down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn’t stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn’t know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body.
I didn’t know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn’t know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn’t know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom.